The Texas Chainsaw Massacre(s) [RANKED]

Going into writing this article, I hadn’t seen every installment in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. I saw the first film when I got it for Christmas from my father. Someone had stolen the copy from the video store and no where sold it. They claimed it was banned in Canada. So that Christmas I watched it as most horror fans do, I fell in love. Everyone knows the story: a group of young folk travel through Texas, meet a family of crazy red necks including Leatherface, whose hobbies include chainsaws, cannibalism, making furniture and masks (out of human remains).

Going into this I hadn’t actually seen several of the films. It has also been 10 years give or take since I last endured TCM: The Next Generation. And I have to say, some of them surprised me with how fun they were and others affirmed why I had never bothered to watch them. So let’s get to ranking the films of Leatherface, from worst to best.

texas_chainsaw_next_generation 12Number Seven: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation It came as no surprise when I sat down to rank these films that this would rank the lowest. Re watching it again 10 years after my first viewing and it is still a complete train wreck. Let’s start with Leatherface. Based on Ed Gein who famously wore the skin of women as a form of murderous cross dressing. So it’s always been strongly implied that Leatherface might have a thing for panties. But in this we have him in full Ms. Doubtfire drag at one point and the films climax seems him dressed in a silky see through lace number completely with some poor victim’s breasts. Add to that the scene chewing by a pre-fame Mathew MacConahey and Bridget Jones herself Renee Zellwegger as the worst final girl EVER. Their names are spelled wrong but I’ve suffered enough watching them act. Throw in a random hydraulic leg for Mathew’s murderous inbred and gratuitous titty shots and you have the the worst film in the franchise.

What I really don’t understand is SPOILER ALERT the weird revelation that the Sawyers are being goaded into murdering the teens on prom night by some sort of rich benefactor/pervert whose body is covered in scarification of weird symbols and who has three giant gold rings pierced through his stomach (not his belly button). I guess it is all supposed to be some sort of ‘Illuminati’ scheme to bring people transcendence through suffering. I mean paging Martyrs! The whole thing makes Halloween’s Order of the Thorn look like a welcome addition to a franchise. The kind of film you will only ever watch in the quest to marathon all of the films from the franchise. If that’s you I salute your celluloid masochism.

1-Texas-Chainsaw-3DNumber Six: Texas Chainsaw 3D I had such low hopes going into this one that I didn’t hate it. Even though it’s full of cliches, takes a big ole crap on the legacy of one of the greatest horror films ever. I expected it to be terrible and as a result it wasn’t as awful as it could have been. I picked it up previously viewed with the sole intent of completing the set of all the films on DVD (don’t judge the OCD nerdness). What I got was a film which was gory, weird, and offered a new twist to the proceedings that while not one for the history books was something new for the franchise. I’m also morally obligated to point out that the film suffers from the threedee in that there are lots of chainsaw pointing directly at the audience moments.

8632814_5Number Five: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning tells the story of how a little baby born in a meat factory grew up to wield a chainsaw and wear skin masks. The first time I tried to watch this I turned it off after the opening scene. It just smacked of everything I disliked about remakes. I rewatched it to do this list and I gotta say it’s not half bad. It has plenty of gore, expands nicely on the influences of the Vietnam war on the original film and the mythos of the franchise. Bonus points for Matt Bomer and his baby blues. And it also has a really bleak and gruesome ending which I always appreciate from a film.

Leatherface Texas Chainsaw Massacre III 5

Number Four: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III Was another installment I had never seen all the way through. I really liked this one. It’s incredibly gory (and I only could get the cut version which has 4 minutes of gore excised). It builds really well on the darker comedic tone of the second installment. The addition of Ken Foree’s character who is a survivalist nut is the perfect addition to amp up the action. It acts as a nice final act in the original three films.

the_texas_chainsaw_massacre_2003 3 (1)Number Three: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre [2003] I really like this movie. It’s definitely one of the best of the remakes that came out in the 2000s. It takes the bleak tone of the first film, the gore of the second film and presents it through the lens of ‘the modern gritty take’ which has become a dead horse which Hollywood continues to beat. My fondness for it was firmly cemented back in 2003, a full 7 years prior to the atrocity that is the Nightmare On Elm St. remake. It plays close to the beats of the original while updating stuff ever so slightly. The biggest difference being that there is no character who is handicapped. The biggest issue today with the original is Franklin so it’s good that they chose to exclude a character in a wheel chair. Not that disabled characters shouldn’t be in horror films cause they definitely should. But his inclusion in the original always seemed to stand out as a product of the time. A loud obnoxious bother who can’t do anything on his own and is defenceless and unable to run from the killer. Not the best representation. With so many movies been remade poorly, it is the kind of remake that the majority of fans can agree honors the original.

chptp (8)Number Two: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 has a completely different tone then the first film. It is more of a hybrid of black humor and horror comedy. It has oodles of gore, laughs, and some awesome character moments. Tobe Hooper is an incredibly versatile horror director and it shows in this installment (his last in the franchise). Bill Mosley is delightfully gross and unhinged as he provides the perfect counter balance to the grunting Leatherface. Dennis Hopper and Stretch are among the best horror final girl/father figure team ups in horror (Nancy and her dad, Laurie and Dr. Loomis). It’s just a great fun movie. The kind you want to watch with friends.

the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-1974-e1375911352533Number One: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre [1974] Some franchises reach their peak in the second or third films, like Evil Dead II or Friday The 13th Part II/Part III (depending who you ask). Then there are franchises like The Texas Chainsaw where the original film stands not just above the sequels, reboots and prequels but above other horror films as well. The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a master class in horror. There is actually minimal gore (it’s mostly implied or in the form of bones). It is the least gory of the films in the franchise. Yet it remains the most terrifying visceral film ever to feature Leatherface or arguably any Ed Gein inspired killers. Anyone who has seen it will attest to the moment Leatherface first appears being seared into their minds forever.

The Chucky Films [RANKED]

While he may not have the same level of name recognition of slashers like Freddy or Jason, Chucky is considered among the classic slashers from the golden age of horror. For those not in the know, Chucky is a  Good Guy doll possessed by the white guy voodoo killer Charles Lee Ray. His goal aside from general mischief is to perform a ritual to transfer her soul into the body of a human or face being trapped as a doll forever.

The Child’s Play films (1 through 3) and Chucky flicks (Bride, Seed, Curse) are arguably among the most consistent slasher franchises. When viewing Seed of Chucky alongside movies like Halloween: Ressurection, Hellraiser: Revelations, Leprechaun 4: In Space, it actually holds up quite well. So without further adieu I present The Chucky Films ranked worst to best:

Childs play 3

Number Six: Child’s Play 3 is pretty much the weakest link in the franchise. Apparently this is due to it being rushed to bank in on the success of Child’s Play 2. It’s not bad, but the characters are weak. And the little boy Chucky chooses as his vessel is far too gulible. The highlights are the opening of the abandoned doll factory and Chucky’s demise via giant fan. It just has the unfortunate misfortune of being so-so.

Seed-Of-Chucky-seed-of-chucky-29023831-1920-1080

Number Five: Seed of Chucky is considered by most to be a complete pile of crap. I actually have a soft spot for this movie. It features the directorial debut of Don Mancini (creator and writer of each film) after doing second unit on Bride. A good chunk of the humor falls flat. But the delightfully meta take on the franchise of Jennifer Tilly playing herself and Tiffany. It also stars cult movie god John Waters who has his face melted off with acid in an homage to Female Trouble. On top of that are a ton of other great references to movies like Pyscho and Halloween.

2-curse-of-chucky

Number Four: Curse of Chucky manages to take the winks and nods to classic horror flicks in Seed, and combine it with the more understated horror of the first and second film. It also manages to pay homage to the entire franchise in a way which is not only clever but a love letter to fans of each of the entries to the franchise.

Chucky-An-Tiffany-childs-play-25673267-1280-688

Number Three: Bride of Chucky holds a special place in my warped little heart. It came out right as I was discovering my love of horror and I watched my VHS copy of it constantly. It’s gory. Frigging hilarious! Has a gay character AND a super sexy male lead. Add to that my spirit animal Jennifer Tilly as the titular bride Tiffany and you have horror comedy gold. It gets bonus points cause I also cry every time I watch Bride of Frankenstein.

childs-play-05

Number Two: Child’s Play Yeah that’s right, I am not putting this movie at number one. Most people who rank these films agree that while the opening film is great, it’s not the highest point of the franchise. It’s the first one, but much like the Friday the 13th franchise, the first movie only laid the groundwork for the best installment.

tmb_1680_480

Number One: Child’s Play 2 The premise of taking Andy from the first film and putting him in foster care is perfect. The movie takes the premise of the first film and runs with it. Full of bright colors, brutal deaths and a great final act in the Good Guy Factory. Scenes like the one where Chucky meets fellow Good Guy Doll Tommy and the opening credits in which Chucky is resurrected in the factory workshop are some of the best moments in the entire franchise.

How would you rank them? Do you agree with me and enjoy all of them or do you think some installments shit the bed? And don’t forget to check out my review of Curse of Chucky.