This is some Blair Witch shit!- The daughter… NOTE: this is not an exact quote BUT I would rather perform cunnilingus on Anne Romney then rewatch enough of this movie to find out exactly what she said or her actual character’s name.
Today was my day off and I watched 3 horror flicks… Turns out they are all the new releases from the people over at Anchor Bay (known for distributing a great deal of horror and genre fair and they recently acquired rights to distribute The Lords of Salem!). Later I will do write ups about the other two films: Jennifer Lynch’s serial killer stockholm syndrome flick Chained and the gory strange amazing Excision starring a fugged up Ana Lyn McCord with appearences by Traci Lords, Malcom McDowell, the smart daughter from Modern Family, and JOHN EFFING WATERS?! I know right? PST: It was amazeballs!).
BUT I just finished watching the craptacular The Barrens aka The Jersey Devil. It stars Bill Compton (True Blood’s Stephen Moyer) and Jenny Schecter (The L Word’s Mia Kirshner). I am super gay for men but I once said I had such a lady boner for Jenny from The L Word that I would watch her in anything (including the final season of The L Word). I take it all back. No amount of Jenny (or Isobel for the younger fangirl set who enjoy Vampire Diaries…) could save this crap fest.
Beware there be spoilers from here on out.
The story goes Bill and Jenny are going camping with their son and Bill’s daughter from his first marriage (Sookie?). Bill wants to spread his daddies ashes, Jenny just wants to work on her short stories and the daughter just wants to make sex eyes at boys. Girls am I right? Seriously though the characters couldn’t have been any more bland. Turns out they are camping in THE PINE BARRENS aka the home of one Jersey Devil which I always confuse with the chucacabra. Turns out Bill may or may not have rabies from the family dog who bit him a couple weeks back. Bill being Bill staked the dog and buried it out back at Sookie’s next to the various other casualties of Bon Temp.
He starts hallucinating and pretty much forces his family to engage in every lost in the woods horror cliche ever. He demands they all get rid of their phones. He insists they go deeper into the woods, OFF TRAIL?! He also ignores Jenny’s protests when they find A: dead dog tied to a tree, B: a tent torn to shreds with no people around and C: several journals written in evil hieroglyphs and filled with drawings of goat skulls.
Bill nearly kills their son, smacks Jenny around, kills a boy for looking at his daughter (or was he eaten by the JD?) and breaks Jenny’s leg real bad. Turns out at the last minute he was right and the Jersey Devil is real? And it eats him. Add to this some sort of insane legend of how the Jersey Devil is actually a baby that was sacrificed to Satan and looks like a combination of a raptor and a kangaroo… And I shit you not someone actually says it has the body of a kangaroo and bat wings?! Get your shit together Darren Lynn Bousman…