Black Christmas [REVIEW]

jc2005

You can’t rape a townie – Barb*

Since it is the time of year where everyone watches Frosty and Rudolph I decided to watch one of my favorite Christmas movies. That is right bitches I am talking about the Canadian slasher classic Black Christmas! Now a disclaimer to those of you who have not seen this. This is going to be chock full of spoilers. So go now, rent, stream or download it! Don’t even pirate the remake (it’s that bad!). Also while it may seem cliche now a days, we must keep in mind that in 1974 this shit was ground breaking horror gold. Now let’s begin.

It is holiday time at a sorority house and the girls are drinking and laughing and listening to carols. We see from the point of view someone who is obviously an axe murdering pervert (I wasn’t alive otherwise I would assume it was me). He creeps outside and eventually climbs a trellis into an attic window.

Meanwhile inside at the party...It is a generally awesome little to do circa the decades before beer bongs. We meet the girls, there is the prissy religious one, the smart nerdy one, the slutty drunk one and the British one. Yeah they have real names but aside from Barb (the slutty drunk one) who is played by Margot EFFING Kidder I could care less to recall their names. The phone rings and someone who sounds like a combination of Multiple Miggs and Robin Williams calls and makes obscene noises and threats. Seems that this is not their first time at the pervert rodeo and Barb grabs the phone and has a lovely chat about lady bits and throbbing man parts. It is all very Friday Night Blue Movie. They blow it off cause it is the 70s and they haven’t seen 800 movies that start off just like this.

One by one the killer picks off the girls and hides the bodies in the attic. Prissy girl is suffocated by a plastic bag, the drunk house mother gets hooked, Barb meets a grisly end and nerdy girl is offed. All the while the police are trying to trace the calls. They keep failing (not realizing that the girls are being picked off one by one) until there is just British Girl left. They manage to trace the call and British Girl is told to walk out the front door and leave the house. Not realizing Barb and nerdy girl (Phil I believe) are dead upstairs she refuses to comply. Not until she goes to get the girls who are sleeping. Again she has never seen a slasher flick and doesn’t realize she should fucking run for her life. The officer then spills the beans that the call is COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! She grabs a weapon, runs to save her friends and finds herself in what is arguably one of the most chilling moments of the 70s:

After discovering Barb and Phill(is) dead in Barb’s bed, she sees the eye of the killer through the gap between the door and the frame. We are treated to this insane close up of his eye while he does this horrifying impression of British Girl’s boyfriend. Between the calls coming from inside the house and this moment I have officially started turning on lights, checking closets and crying quietly while pissing myself.

I won’t give away the very end (I had forgotten just how it ended) but fuck I love when a movie ends on such a pessimistic note. It leaves you with a chill in your soul. So what are you waiting for? Go rewatch this Christmas Horror classic and relive the terror that came with being a beautiful sorority girl running for her life in an ugly Christmas sweater.

*Can you believe she actually says that? I didn’t even make it up. Feminist smeninist!

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